Shaping Yourself into you²

Archie was born into poverty in Bristol, England, and the kid had a rough boyhood. His father, an abusive alcoholic, had the mother committed to an asylum but told his son she had died. Archie grew up with a fear of abandonment. He developed a stammer and a bed-wetting problem. At age 14 he was expelled from school.

He started hanging out at Bristol’s Hippodrome theatre where he practiced acrobatics, stilt-walking, and comedic timing. Two years later he joined a troupe that traveled to New York City. When the troupe left, Archie chose to remain in the United States, scraping out a living in whatever jobs he could find.

Then he reached a turning point: He decided to reinvent himself. . . to redo his persona.

At age 27 Archie moved to Hollywood and tried his hand at acting. Later in life he said, “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me.”

You know him as Cary Grant. You know him as the suave, graceful, confident and charismatic movie star—Hollywood’s ultimate leading man.

The author Kurt Vonnegut wrote, “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.” This notion is solidly grounded in behavioral science. Decades ago, the famed psychologist Afred Adler developed the acting “as if” technique, which encourages clients to begin acting as if they were already the person they would like to be.

Here’s the question: How are you acting?

How do other people size you up when they meet you? Are you practicing being the person you truly wish to become?

You’re free to pretend. You get to choose how you present yourself to the world. You’re the person who regulates your demeanor, your carriage, your overall presence. In the process, you shape your identity.

Psychologist Amy Cuddy explains: “Our nonverbals govern how other people think and feel about us. . . When you pretend to be powerful, you are more likely to feel powerful.” Research shows that our bodies change our minds. Smiling makes you feel happier. Frowning makes you feel more negative, sad, or upset. Your posture can make you feel and appear insecure, or it can cause you to feel and look confident. Very small changes in your body language can produce big changes in how you feel and how the world perceives you.

Does pretending mean you’re a fraud? An imposter?

No, you’re simply practicing. In fact, regardless of how you behave, you’re practicing that particular behavior. For good or for bad, you’re creating your persona, shaping how you see yourself and how other people see you.

Songwriter and poet Leonard Cohen put it this way: “Act the way you’d like to be and soon you’ll be the way you act.” Just as Archibald Leach shaped himself into Cary Grant, you can shape yourself into you².

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.”

— Shakespeare, As You Like It